mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
