I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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