Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
