so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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