why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
