: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
