please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
