I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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