I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
