well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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