so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize