Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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