Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My cat gives me a boner
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize