Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
