it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
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You threw up with your ski mask on still.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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