I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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