so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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