you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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