and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
