I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
