I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
ttyl tear gas
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
