Redeem this text for a blowjob
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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