you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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