You can't motorboat a personality
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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