i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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