dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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