you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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