I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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