I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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