did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This is my gift to your gina
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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