he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
