chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she woke up with a sticky ear
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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