Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
