areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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