Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
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It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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