i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize