Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
