I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
