I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
