didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
