I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
