I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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