My underwear smells like fireworks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
