I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.