I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
