Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
