my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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