I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
