May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
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