Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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