Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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