you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
