One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
