So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
