I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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