So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
