So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
